In a surprising twist that even Hollywood couldn’t have scripted, former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has reportedly declared that he’s had enough of the disrespect in the United States and is now seriously considering packing his bags for Russia if things don’t improve.

In a surprising twist that even Hollywood couldn’t have scripted, former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has reportedly declared that he’s had enough of the disrespect in the United States and is now seriously considering packing his bags for Russia if things don’t improve.

In a lengthy and somewhat baffling interview with a fringe podcast (because where else would this story originate?), Kaepernick outlined his frustrations with the state of America, claiming that the disrespect he’s faced since kneeling during the national anthem in 2016 has reached an all-time high. According to him, unless things start to change, he’s out of here—and Moscow is the next stop.

“I’ve Tried Everything, But America Just Isn’t Listening”

For years, Kaepernick has been a polarizing figure, both in and out of the football world. What began as a peaceful protest against racial injustice and police brutality quickly snowballed into a nationwide controversy, leading to Kaepernick being effectively blackballed from the NFL. Despite this, the former 49ers quarterback remained committed to his cause, becoming a powerful voice for social justice and launching numerous campaigns aimed at raising awareness for issues affecting marginalized communities.

But apparently, it’s not enough.

“I’ve tried everything,” Kaepernick said in his podcast interview, sounding a bit like someone who’s done with their day job and ready to move to Bali to start a meditation retreat. “I kneeled, I donated, I worked with organizations. But at the end of the day, it feels like the country just isn’t listening. And if America won’t respect me for the work I’ve done, maybe Russia will.”

Yes, because if there’s one country known for its deep respect for outspoken athletes and social justice warriors, it’s Russia.

When asked why he’d choose Russia, of all places, Kaepernick’s response was as cryptic as it was eyebrow-raising. “Look, I know what you’re thinking,” he said, pausing dramatically as if he could hear the collective confusion through the airwaves. “But hear me out. Russia has this… strength. This toughness. They don’t pretend to care about things they don’t care about. It’s pure. Uncomplicated.”

Kaepernick went on to explain that, in his mind, America has become “too soft,” with its endless political debates and “performative wokeness” not leading to real change. “In Russia, you know where you stand. I respect that.”

It’s unclear whether Kaepernick has actually done any research into the current political climate of Russia, where dissent isn’t exactly rewarded with job offers or endorsement deals. Nevertheless, the quarterback seemed convinced that the respect he craves might be found in a country where protesting athletes are more likely to be sidelined in ways far more permanent than anything Roger Goodell could dream up.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true