In a surprising turn of events, Hollywood icon Jon Voight and Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance have both publicly rejected future collaborations with the renowned Pittsburgh establishment, Primanti Bros. The duo claims that the iconic sandwich chain has adopted a “woke” philosophy. While many would eagerly embrace a $100 million sponsorship deal and endless access to their beloved fries-on-sandwich creations, Voight has taken a firm stance. His justification? “No sum of money is worth associating with a sandwich shop that is woke.”

The controversy erupted following an astonishing proposal: Primanti Bros. reportedly approached Jon Voight with an offer of a $100 million sponsorship and a lifetime supply of sandwiches in exchange for his endorsement. The actor, recognized for his conservative views and commitment to right-wing initiatives, initially appeared inclined towards the deal. However, after discovering that the Pittsburgh treasure had publicly advocated for inclusivity and collaborated with progressive organizations, Voight swiftly backed out.

“They offered me an amount of money beyond my needs and as many sandwiches as I could consume,” Voight stated in an unscripted video on his social platforms. “But what’s the point of sandwiches if they come with a side of wokeness? Primanti Bros. has strayed from its roots; they used to be about great sandwiches, but now they prioritize political correctness.”

For over 90 years, Primanti Bros. has been woven into the cultural tapestry of Pittsburgh. Famous for their colossal sandwiches loaded with coleslaw and French fries, they have catered to steelworkers, college attendees, and tourists. However, the launch of a new marketing initiative focusing on inclusivity and various social causes unexpectedly sparked significant backlash.

Voight was quick to lambaste the campaign, which honored the diversity within Primanti’s workforce and customer base. To him, it represented yet another indication that even the realm of sandwiches had succumbed to the “woke agenda.” He wasn’t alone in his disapproval.

“Primanti’s used to symbolize authentic, working-class cuisine,” Voight continued in his video. “Now, they are appeasing every special interest group they can find. I’m a man of conviction, and if that means turning down $100 million, then so be it. No one can buy my silence with woke sandwiches.”

Adding to Voight’s discontent, Ohio senator and vice-presidential hopeful J.D. Vance had his concerns with Primanti Bros. According to reports, the restaurant barred Vance entry to their North Versailles, Pennsylvania location during a recent campaign appearance. Eager to meet supporters and indulge in a quick sandwich, Vance was informed by the restaurant manager that he wasn’t welcome, citing it “wasn’t a campaign event.”

This incident did not sit well with Vance, who voiced his concerns through social media and public statements, accusing Primanti Bros. of engaging in “political discrimination.” Vance’s team asserted that the same venue had previously hosted Vice President Kamala Harris for a private gathering, bolstering claims of bias.

“This exemplifies how the woke mob has taken over,” Vance expressed in a statement. “If you don’t align with their narrative, they shut you out—literally. I came for a sandwich, not a political discourse. Apparently, if you’re a conservative, you’re unwelcome at Primanti Bros.”

While Vance’s supporters were infuriated by the incident, many found irony in the situation. One political commentator remarked, “Only in America can we experience a culture war over sandwiches.”

Caught in the crossfire of this unanticipated culture clash, Primanti Bros. made an effort to quell the situation with a carefully crafted public statement. The restaurant defended its commitment to inclusivity while expressing regret over the backlash.

“We have proudly served all members of the Pittsburgh community for nearly a century,” the statement read. “Our dedication to diversity, inclusion, and supporting meaningful causes remains steadfast. We regret that Mr. Voight has opted not to partner with us, and we wish him all the best in his future endeavors. Regarding Senator Vance, the circumstances surrounding his visit were a result of logistical confusion, not political bias.”

Despite this diplomatic response, the narrative had already taken hold. Conservative media outlets seized upon the story, branding Primanti Bros. as just another establishment that had succumbed to “woke culture,” potentially alienating a considerable segment of its customer base.

While some patrons commended Voight and Vance for standing by their convictions, others were perplexed by the uproar. Social media was ablaze with both acclaim and ridicule, with many questioning whether a sandwich shop should be embroiled in political discussions.

“Jon Voight turned down $100 million because of… sandwiches?” a Twitter user mused. “I understand, but this is getting out of hand. It’s a sandwich shop, not a think tank.”

Others voiced stronger opinions, promising to boycott Primanti Bros. over what they interpreted as political discrimination against conservatives. “First, they come for our values; now they’re coming for our sandwiches,” proclaimed another user. “Primanti Bros. is just another victim of the woke agenda. It’s disheartening.”

Meanwhile, loyal customers of the restaurant were left bewildered. “I’ve been dining at Primanti’s for three decades,” a Pittsburgh local remarked. “I don’t care about their politics as long as they continue producing excellent sandwiches. This whole thing is absurd.”

While Jon Voight and J.D. Vance might have distanced themselves from Primanti Bros., the lingering question remains: will this controversy leave a lasting mark on the legendary sandwich shop? For now, Primanti’s appears to be navigating the storm, continuing to serve their signature fries-on-sandwich dishes to a varied and eager clientele. However, as calls for boycotts from conservative circles grow louder, the establishment might face obstacles ahead.

As for Voight, he has made his position abundantly clear. “I’ve spent my life championing what’s right, and I refuse to sell out for a sandwich,” he stated. “They may have embraced wokeness, but I’m committed to my principles.”

J.D. Vance expressed similar beliefs, stating that his boycott of Primanti Bros. would persist until the restaurant issued a public apology. “I’m not asking for much,” Vance said. “Just the ability to grab a sandwich without politics being injected into it.”

As the sandwich wars continue to unfold, one thing is crystal clear: America’s cultural conflicts have encroached upon the culinary realm. Whether it’s Jon Voight spurning millions for “woke sandwiches” or J.D. Vance being denied entrance, the political divide has never been more apparent—or more absurd.

In the end, this may simply represent the latest episode in the ongoing saga of businesses navigating political ideologies. For Primanti Bros., the key challenge lies in harmonizing its rich legacy with the contemporary realities of operating in a politically charged landscape.

As for Jon Voight and J.D. Vance, while they may have lost their go-to sandwich shop, they have garnered something far more significant: the respect of their followers and the opportunity to uphold their principles.

And in a world where nearly everything—even sandwiches—carries a political connotation, perhaps that is worth more than $100 million and a lifetime supply of fries-on-sandwiches.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not True.